Fight Night

I realized that my blog has been a bit Debbie Downer for the past month, sorry folks...it's been hard for me to stay positive and happy and even though I'm approaching starting up IVF #1.2 again (AF should be here any day - COME ON!) I'm so scared something is going to happen again and I won't make it to ER and I'll get cancelled again, or worse, it's going to be a BFN and that will be horrible. Of course it's horrible any time anyone gets a BFN after a medicated cycle or IUI or IVF, but after waiting for at that time what will have been 4 months to get a BFN I will be just absolutely devastated.

So you can see - I'm Debbie Downer right now, not super positive, having a hard time keeping my mind off things, etc. Cue last night....

I'm at the gym on the elliptical and my mom calls so I tell her I'll call her back after my workout. I of course think nothing of it because my mom and I talk quite frequently and she's been up to speed about our IF journey and IVF, etc. I call her back on my way home and after a few quick "how are you's" she jumps in with, I need to tell you something that's been bothering me. Again, not too abnormal - my mom and I have had a very tumultuous relationship from the time I hit puberty and we always bump heads because we are complete opposites and I think at times my mom wants me to be something I'm not. She wants me to be proper and go to church and well-mannered, and I'm not saying I'm the complete opposite of that, but I'm not going to be proper because someone wants me to be and I'm certainly not going to sit back and let someone say something offensive to me because that's the proper thing to do without giving them a piece of my mind. And to be honest, I've had a real struggle with organized religion lately and I've been struggling with God, I really have been questioning his purpose for me lately and it's been a test. All of my mother's friends are prim and proper, etc. but are a bunch of judgmental bitches who gossip about business that isn't theirs but claim to be God-loving Christians - I hate the hypocrisy.

Ok, so back to the conversation. My mom says she has to tell me something that's been bothering her and then says "I want for you to refrain (yes she said refrain) from posting disparaging (yes she said disparaging) things about me and your father on Facebook" SAY WHAAAAA???? First of all, my mom isn't on FB, second of all I have not ONCE EVER posted anything remotely offensive or derogatory, much less about my family who I love on a public forum - I couldn't believe what I was hearing. So I ask her, umm ok, what are you referring to here. It was a post I posted 2 MONTHS AGO?!?!?! that was a picture of this card my dad included in my birthday card and it's hysterical! It's widely known I'm a staunch democrat and my family are republicans, so we disagree politically. My birthday was right before the election and my dad included this card supposedly written from Mitt (in  my Dad's handwriting) saying "Lisa, vote for me and not that other guy" Funny, right?! My Dad and I get along great and we could both see the humor in him giving this to me, we were both laughing a lot when I opened it and we know not to talk politics around each other. So I posted a pic of the card on FB saying "Nice try Dad, never gonna happen" - HOW may I ask is that disparaging or offensive at all? Please tell me if it is, I just don't see it.

So, I'm like, Umm Mom, that isn't offensive and I'm sorry if you thought it was but WHO THE EFF SHOWED THIS TO YOU AND WHO THE EFF SAID IT WAS OFFENSIVE? And I went OFF - not on my mom, just on whoever thought it was their place to butt into my life and show something to my mom, blow it out of proportion and try to make me look bad. I know it's 1 of 3 people. 3 of my mom's friends befriended me on FB and while I didn't want to befriend them, I knew they would give me and my mom crap about it, and I never post anything too personal on FB anyway, so why the hell not add them - whatever, thought nothing of it. So I know it's one of them. And all 3 of them are Republicans - hate Obama, think I'm a bleeding heart liberal and don't like my views at all - whatever, like I CARE! So as I'm going off I'm dropping f-bombs left and right (I'm a real lady) which I NEVER do with my mom, but hey, I'm an adult and if I want to talk like a truck driver, I'm damn well going to! So I call these ladies effing bitches, this isn't effing middle school and they need to mind their own effing business. AND - get this - my mom won't tell me who it is. She's protecting their identity and being loyal to them over her own daughter - REALLY? So at this point I am literally shaking from how pissed I am because really this is the LAST think I want to deal with and why is this such a big deal anyways, I just don't get it.

So I'm shaking and in tears because I don't understand why someone thinks it's their place, and my mom says "well since you're already pissed, I guess I'll bring something else up then too" And proceeds to tell me how hurt my sister was that I didn't tell her my IVF cycle was cancelled and she had to hear it from my mom. FIRST OF ALL - my sister and I are NOT close. We've been really trying the past year or so, but we're just not that close and I don't feel I can talk to her about a lot of things. And to be honest, I almost didn't even tell my mom because I was just so impacted by it and hurt and I didn't really want to talk about it because it was a harsh reminder about what had just happened. So my sister heard it from my mom, but she did send me a really nice text saying how sorry she was and she was here for me if I needed to talk and she was thinking about me, so of course I texted back my appreciation, etc. So I try to explain to my mom that I'm sorry Jennifer was hurt, but that wasn't my intention and that really she has no idea what I've been going through (and hasn't really tried to find out) to which she responds, in an extremely sarcastic tone "OH GOD HERE WE GO" - ARE YOU EFFING SERIOUS? So at that moment, I literally collapsed on the chair and broke down hysterically crying and saying how I couldn't believe she said that to me and how insensitvie that was and how I'm at the absolute darkest place in my entire life and how it's difficult to get out of bed some mornings and she has the audacity to say that to me? Like I really want to feel this way? Like this is really how I want to live my life? Then she continues to say hurtful things like "Things always go how you want them to. It's always Lisa world. You're so selfish and don't think about anyone else" To which I respond "Hell yeah I'm being selfish right now, I can barely take care of myself, I have to make sure I'm good right now and Nick and I are moving along, which is next to impossible on some days. I'm sorry I don't have the energy to be reaching out to everyone all the time when I can't even reach out to myself." And that didn't phase her, she hung up on me, and I collapsed into tears again shaking and barely breathing, my heart breaking that my own mother just doesn't get it. Nick didn't even know what to do or how to console me. I don't know how to move forward with her now.

It was fight night last night at our house and I woke up this morning feeling bruised and battered. It's going to take a while for these wounds to heal.