CD4 - This Weekend SUCKED

So I had a really emotional weekend. I was really ok on Friday when AF came, I kind of shocked myself. I was all like, I can get through this, I'm going to be fine, we have a plan, let's do this thing.

And then.....I woke up Saturday morning, not pregnant, feeling shitty and sorry for myself and lost it. I cried for maybe 2 hours straight, curled up in a ball on my couch with all the shades pulled hugging my dogs and BAWLING. Nick had no idea what to do with me, he was really concerned. I just felt so hopeless, like it's never going to happen. I started talking about, what do we do when IVF fails a couple times, even though we're still doing IUI #3 and are 1 treatment away from IVF. I was already talking about going out to Colorado to go to CCRM and talking about adoption, etc. I always do this, I get so far ahead of myself and no one, I mean no one, can talk me off the cliff. I'm already jumping and I'm the only one who can save myself from myself.

I know that so many women struggle with infertility, it's a lot more common than people realize. It's shitty no one talks about it, people aren't knowledgeable and don't realize it's not that rare. I also know that some couples are in WAY worse situations than me, some have been though countless IUI and IVF cycles and still aren't pregnant, throwing every last penny at the hopes of one day conceiving a child of their own. I know I'm not there yet, but some days when I am feeling really low, my mind goes to all sorts of places. Like, why could my SIL conceive on her first cycle and I'm on cycle 17? Why is it that women who don't even want children get pregnant every day, I would be a much better mother and love my child unconditionally. Before all of the IF struggles, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I don't think I realized how desperately I wanted to be a mom until we were diagnosed.

So please join me on the couch in the dark while I eat peanut butter M&Ms, watch Little Women and have myself a good ugly cry - who's with me?

CD1: Blech

So, here I am at CD1 again. BOOOOOOO.
AF came late last night, I woke up due to AF cramps and I knew I was out. I must have had line eye on that test on Wednesday, and it just pisses me off I even thought I was preggers. Why do I do this to myself? I just make it worse every time. Dammit - I think I'm not going to test out the trigger this time, but we'll see when I get to that point.

Nick and I decided we're going to do 1 more IUI cycle before moving along to IVF. I spoke to the nurse this morning about the plan for this cycle and asked if she could talk to Dr. S about injects this month to give us an even better shot. She just called back, I go in for CD4 baseline b/w and u/s on Monday and this is the plan for Cycle #17.

1. Clomid 50 mg Days 4-8 (nightly)

    2. Follistim Pen (don't know doseage yet) daily starting on CD 9 (will go in for more u/s)

    3.  HCG Trigger shot (will be instructed after my CD12 b/w and u/s when I need to do this)

   4. IUI #3 (if it's anything like last cycle I'll have it around CD14-15), go in for P4 b/w 7 days later and my beta 7 days after that

I'm glad we have a plan and I have my FX I don't have any cysts when I go in on Monday. I'll be in Florida next weekend for a wedding so I'm going to have to travel with my Follistim pen and needles. This should be interesting, but the nurse said she's giving me travel instructions on Monday. Aghhh, to think I used to be TERRIFIED of needles and I'm actually excited?? to do the injects this cycle? Call me crazy!

Squint til it Hurts (12 dpiui CD27)

Ok, so I PIAC this morning with FMU and within a minute or 2 a very faint line showed up on both the Wonfo and the FRER. Now I'm not 100% sure if this is a REAL second line or an evap line. I am normally spotting by this point, 12dpiui. I spotted last cycle from 11dpiui until I went in for my beta. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much, but I do feel positive about this cycle. Also, I NEVER go past CD 27, my luteal phases are always around 11-12 days, and I'm at 10 now, with no spotting yet. Grrr I wish it was Friday already and I swear, if I don't end up being preggers, I'm hiding every last one of my tests, I'm driving myself bonkers here.

11dpIUI (CD26)

I've been on an emotional roller coaster these past few days and it really came to a head last night. I somehow got it in my head that this cycle didn't work, I'm not PG and I'm going to have to ask the nurse if I can do injects next cycle because I'd have a better chance with them and they won't screw up my lining.

I'm just having one of those "poor me" days. I have them every once in a while, and when it happens, I'm ugly crying, hard to console, get really angry and wail "WHY MEEEEE" and "WHY CAN THE 16 YEAR OLD CHEERLEADER GET KU AND NOT ME, IT's NOT FAIIIIRRRRR?"

And then I settle down and I'm ok. Damn hormones, damn IF.

Testing out the Trigger - 10 dpIUI (CD 24)

So here I am, 10 dpIUI (CD 24) and my trigger finally tested out this morning! I went a little PIAC crazy this cycle, but I feel empowered that I know the hcg is out of my system and any positive test from here on out is a true positive, not a false one from the trigger.

Here is a pic of my obsession with PIAC (peeing in a cup).

IUI #2 - September 7, 2012

This second cycle has gone a little better than the first because I now know more of what to expect, but during this cycle at my CD12 monitoring appointment my follies were good (1 on each ovary measuring about 18 mm each) but my uterine lining was at 4.8 mm! They want it to be at least above a 7 to do an IUI. So I was put on vaginal estrace (an estrogen pill) which I took 3x before I went in for another monitoring appointment the next day. Well now my lining was at 7.4! I had an almost 3mm growth in thickness in 24 hours from just 3 vaginal estrogen pills, I guess that stuff really works!

When the nurse called later that day, I was told to trigger the next night (HCG shot in my butt) after 6pm and then go in for the IUI the next morning at 9:30 a.m. The day of the IUI I wasn't nervous, but I did want to hear the # of motile sperm and we were at 8 million this time - WOOT WOOT!!! So I obviously have a much better chance this cycle than I did last cycle. My fingers are still crossed, I go in for my beta on Friday!

IUI #1 - August 10, 2012

So I started this blog when I was in the 2WW of IUI #2, but I still wanted to document my medicated cycles up to this point, so this post and the next will be about my first 2 IUIs.

I kind of felt the first IUI cycle  wasn't going to work, but of course I still had  my hopes up since this was the first cycle I even had a shot in hell of getting knocked up.

The good news about the first IUI is that I responded well to the Clomid, meaning I had 2 mature follicles and I ovulated successfully (determined by my progesterone level on 7 dpIUI, which was above a 17). The bad news is that after the sperm wash, the count was very low. Nick had a super tough week the week he had to give his sample and got really no sleep, and stress and lack of sleep can really affect the sperm.

So this was another reason we were pretty prepared it wasn't going to work. Except, on 10 dpiui and 11 days past my HCG trigger, I broke down and tested and got a VERY clear result on a FRER. I should have tested out my trigger, which I'm doing in the 2nd IUI cycle, because I convinced myself that I was KU.

Unfortunately the Friday I got my beta, AF showed up after I got back from the b/w but it still didn't make the call with my beta result any less heartbreaking. Especially when the nurse tells me right after she says I'm not pregnant that we should move straight to IVF because the sperm count was so low. I wanted to do at least 3 IUI cycles before we moved to IVF and we had agreed to that with the RE, but she said it was recommended we go right to IVF. Well I just started to bawl on the phone with her, I didn't want to start the BCPs on Monday, I wasn't ready for IVF yet. After Nick and I talked, we decided we would do 1 or 2 more IUI cycles before moving to IVF. It was a hard decision, because I have a much higher chance of getting pregnant with IVF, but I just wasn't emotionally prepared to move to that step yet. 

First Post Ever!

I kept going back and forth on whether or not I wanted to start a blog, but I finally decided, what the hell? I'm going to do it! I need a place to keep track of my journey through infertility. I never want to forget everything I've been through to have a baby. I never want to forget how much I wanted a baby.

Let me back up and recount what has gotten me to this point. I met my amazingly wonderful husband after my senior year of high school and pretty much from the beginning I knew he was the one. Unfortunately, I was going off to college in Boston while he was going to school in IL, so I wasn't really sure how the whole long distance thing was going to work. Well we made it work, 4 years of phone calls, visits and being apart from each other and we made it. A year after we graduated college, he proposed and a year later on May 30, 2009, we said "I do." It was the happiest day of our lives and we knew the only thing that would top that would be the birth of our children.

May 30, 2009!

We had discussed many times how much we both wanted to start a family, but that we wanted to wait a couple years to start trying. Nick wanted to start right away, but we finally agreed that we both wanted to start out careers first and   enjoy being married before we added another two feet to our family. We had a lot going on after our wedding, we bought a house, we were busy with work, we got another dog, etc. Nick also has always dealt with stomach/intestinal issues and we wanted to try to get those under control before we started trying, which unfortunately hasn't happened. 

I got my IUD out in May 2011 around our anniversary and we started trying for a family. I fully expected it to take a couple months, but that we might be expecting a child by the time our 3 year anniversary rolled around. After all, my sister-in-law got pregnant the first month they tried, so I was going to be like that, right?? EHHHHHH...WRONG!

I started to chart my temperatures (BBT - basal body temperature) to track my cycles using Fertilityfriend.com and after reading TCOYF (Taking Charge of Your Fertility - widely used book for TTC couples). I had very regular cycles and was ovulating every month. We were timing intercourse around ovulation and yet every single month around CD27/28/29, AF would show up. I started to get worried something was wrong around the time of our 7th month TTC, only because we were doing everything right, what was going on? I knew it takes a lot of couples up to a year of trying before they conceive, but I just knew something was wrong. Since I was young, 27, I couldn't go to see a RE until I hit the year mark of TTC. Nick and I agreed that if I wasn't pregnant by then, we would make an appointment.

On April 15, 15 days past ovulation, my period hadn't showed up yet. I never have a luteal phase that long, and I felt a little off, a little like AF was coming but not really. I took a pregnancy test and OMFG 2 lines!! I had NEVER EVER EVER had a positive pregnancy test and on cycle #11 I finally got one! Leave it to say we were ecstatic, over the moon, couldn't be happier! We were actually talking about how we were going to tell our families and were so excited to have a due date around Christmas, what a blessing! 

The next day, I took another test and got another positive, but I had some spotting when I went to the bathroom, and of course was worried. I called my OB/GYN and tried to make an appointment to be seen. They told me they didn't see pregnant patients until they were 7 weeks along and wouldn't see me until the end of May! WHAT? I can't wait that long, I'm spotting and very worried. Well the insensitive nurse I spoke to said I'm probably losing the pregnancy and they can't do anything about it and I should call back on Monday if I'm still pregnant. Really, you bitch? Is this the way you speak to every patient who might be losing a pregnancy? The spotting continued all day and the next day, my full flow came in, heavier than usual, with a bit more cramping. Obviously when I took another pregnancy test, I got a negative and had a confirmed chemical pregnancy. We were devastated. I know this isn't as bad as women who have carried the baby for longer than 2 days and have to have surgery to remove the fetus, but it was still so heartbreaking. For 2 days I knew I was pregnant and those 2 days were so incredible joyful. It took a while for me to get over the loss and although we tried the next month, my heart just wasn't in it. 

Fast forward to May and I still wasn't pregnant, every month was killing me and the timed intercourse and AF every month was doing a number on our marriage. We were both frustrated I wasn't pregnant. We finally decided it was time to see a RE. I had done a lot of research online and we decided to go with a well respected fertility clinic near our house. The office is 10 minutes away and I knew with all the testing we would be doing, it would be good to be close to the office.

We met with the RE the day before our 3 year anniversary and just discussed our past history, if we were charting, etc and were told the HUGE amounts of tests that were needed before we could even start conversations on treatment. 

We finished all of our testing and met with our RE for our consult the day before we were leaving on vacation for Vail.  And this was where we received the bad news of our diagnosis. Nick has low sperm count and motility and I have a thin uterine lining, which means that out chances of getting pregnant naturally each cycle is 1%. Normal couples have a 20% chance of getting pregnant each cycle. We were devastated, yet again. I have never cried so hard in my life knowing that we would need medical intervention to have a child. I'm very thankful though that we have a chance to get pregnant with medical intervention. I'm very thankful we don't live in the 1950's and we have an opportunity to have our own biological child. With our medical history and age, we've been told we have a 15-20% chance with IUI and a 50% chance with IVF. Our insurance does cover all testing and monitoring and 85% of all procedures and meds, which is great, but IVF is still $11,000 and we'd have to pay 15% of that which is a LOT of money for us. So we're holding off on IVF and hoping all we need is IUI. We decided to do our first IUI cycle after we returned from our vacation.

Here are a couple e-cards that explain EXACTLY how I feel when someone says "just hump it out" or "It'll happen when it'll happen" or "When it's meant to be" UGH..I understand people don't know what to say, but sometimes people are just ignorant idiots.