And then.....I woke up Saturday morning, not pregnant, feeling shitty and sorry for myself and lost it. I cried for maybe 2 hours straight, curled up in a ball on my couch with all the shades pulled hugging my dogs and BAWLING. Nick had no idea what to do with me, he was really concerned. I just felt so hopeless, like it's never going to happen. I started talking about, what do we do when IVF fails a couple times, even though we're still doing IUI #3 and are 1 treatment away from IVF. I was already talking about going out to Colorado to go to CCRM and talking about adoption, etc. I always do this, I get so far ahead of myself and no one, I mean no one, can talk me off the cliff. I'm already jumping and I'm the only one who can save myself from myself.
I know that so many women struggle with infertility, it's a lot more common than people realize. It's shitty no one talks about it, people aren't knowledgeable and don't realize it's not that rare. I also know that some couples are in WAY worse situations than me, some have been though countless IUI and IVF cycles and still aren't pregnant, throwing every last penny at the hopes of one day conceiving a child of their own. I know I'm not there yet, but some days when I am feeling really low, my mind goes to all sorts of places. Like, why could my SIL conceive on her first cycle and I'm on cycle 17? Why is it that women who don't even want children get pregnant every day, I would be a much better mother and love my child unconditionally. Before all of the IF struggles, I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but I don't think I realized how desperately I wanted to be a mom until we were diagnosed.
So please join me on the couch in the dark while I eat peanut butter M&Ms, watch Little Women and have myself a good ugly cry - who's with me?
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