Come on AF - show up already

Another BFN this morning at 12dp IUI...I don't know why I keep testing, but I do. I know I'm a masochist.

I called the RE's office this morning and cancelled my beta. In my opinion there is absolutely no reason for me to go in and get poked just to remind myself I'm not pregnant. If by some miracle I end up being pregnant (chances slim to none) I'll just go in next week. Now I'm just waiting for AF to show up. I don't think I've actually ever welcomed her until now. I just want to get this show on the road, and by this show, I mean IVF. It's a longer process than doing an IUI, because with IUI you can start right away after AF, granted you don't have any cysts and b/w is good. With IVF, the RE wants to regulate my cycle with BCPs, which I'll take for 3 weeks, then get my period, start my stims and schedule the ER and ET.

I'm thinking based on the fact that my cycles are pretty textbook, I'll be doing ER and ET at the beginning of December. Geez that seems a long ways off but then at the same time it seems so close. I'm definitely nervous but also really excited to be moving to the next step, a step where I have a much larger chance of getting pregnant than ever before.

I've been receiving a lot of support from the online forum "The Bump" that I'm a part of and I'm truly grateful that there are other women out there who understand what I'm going through and we can offer support to each other. Unfortunately my family isn't as supportive as I thought they would be, but that's another blog post. For now, come on AF!

CD26 - 11dpIUI - BFN

So I know I haven't officially gotten my beta yet, I go in on Thursday, but I've been getting BFNs for the past 2 days after my trigger tested out. I would think if I were pregnant, it would be visible on a test by now and the line should have been getting darker, not lighter.

To be honest, I'm actually not as upset as I thought I would be, maybe because I haven't "technically" heard a BFN based on my beta yet, and maybe because it was my 28th birthday yesterday and I can't be sad on my birthday. Nick made me feel so special yesterday, I love him! I took the day off of work and we went out to breakfast, then I got my hair cut/highlighted and got a mani/pedi. I came home to Nick whipping up a storm in the kitchen cooking dinner for me. We had a wonderfully romantic dinner by candlelight and he gave me my present. The little stinker gave me a pressure cooker, which I've been mentioning I've been wanting, but are we at this point in our marriage where we get practical gifts instead of things we want? Of course I don't say this because I don't want him to feel badly. Then he says, well why don't we use this now and whip up something for breakfast tomorrow you can bring to work. And I'm like, ummm ok, it's like 8:30 p.m. and I really don't feel like doing this right now, but sure. So I'm opening up the pressure cooker and in it is a jewelry box and a beautiful bracelet I've had my eye on. He is SUCH a little sneak! And he filmed my whole reaction on his phone too. He just loves messing with me. So how can I possibly be upset on a day like that?

Also, we're off to the B&B this weekend and I can't be sad for that either, so maybe this is good I'm finding out a BFN in the midst of all of this celebrating, it takes my mind off it a bit and takes the sting off. So I'm expecting AF by the end of the week and then we're moving to IVF. I'm scared, but really ready for the next step.

CD 21: 6dpIUI

Haven't posted in a while as nothing new is really going on. I am testing out my trigger again this month, which I don't know why after I really psyched myself out this month, but I just KNOW I won't be able to resist PIAC before my beta, so I mine as well know if I'm getting a positive from the trigger rather than a true positive right?? Ugh, that's what I've been saying to convince myself.

But this 2ww has been ok so far, I haven't been thinking about it too much, I think that's because I'm convinced we're headed to IVF. I should probably try to adjust my mindset there and be a bit more positive, not that I think your attitude makes a difference in the outcome, but still. But on the other hand, if I don't get my hopes up too much, I won't be as devastated to get a negative beta or AF.

I think my biggest concern at this point isn't even that this cycle is a bust, it's that I'm finding out right before Nick and I are leaving to celebrate my 28th birthday at a romantic B&B. We need the time apart just the 2 of us, but getting another reminder right before we leave is going to be rough. I'm going to try my darndest to have a great weekend with my husband, but I know it's going to be hard. CD1 during a medicated cycle is always me crying almost all day, drinking wine and watching chick flicks. Not something I can really do in a cabin with no TV that's set up for romance. Also, maybe it's a good thing I'll be away on a mini vacay when I find out, it might lessen the blow.

For some reason this cycle, I'm worried that I didn't ovulate or if I ovulated I'm worried they did the IUI too soon and it happened too soon before I ovulated. I had the IUI Friday morning, but didn't feel ovulation pains (or something like them) until Saturday and then felt some again on the other side on Sunday. But they weren't as strong as usual. I'm sure I'm reading way too far into this but I'm pretty anxious for my P4 b/w tomorrow. Even though every other cycle my P4 levels have been good and it shows that I've ovulated I think I might ask for P4 supplements this cycle (something I haven't done before) - it can't hurt anything.

Man, the 2ww is definitely the hardest part...UGH.

CD15 - IUI #3 day

So today was the day for IUI #3. When Nick came back from dropping off his sample he said he was really nervous and felt it was low. He was right, the sample was really low and had the lowest motility of any samples we've had to IUIs. I'm pretty prepared this is going to be a bust, even though I'm on the first day of the 2WW. I think I'm trying not to set myself up for complete devastation when I get that news in 2 weeks or when AF decides to come up.

I'm trying to stay positive and relaxed with my circle & bloom meditations, but it's so hard right now. I kind of felt when we first started this whole process and learned our diagnosis, that we would be getting our baby(ies) from IVF, but I was clinging to hope that we wouldn't have to go that route.

The good news is that Nick is completely on board with IVF and if this IUI fails we're moving straight into an IVF cycle. I'm prepared to move onto the next step which is more aggressive and time consuming yes, but the success rates are much higher at 50%. Nick and I also already decided if we need to do IVF we're transferring 2 embryos if we have them to up our chances. I'll take the chance of twins or even triplets if it means I get to be a mom.

Nick came with me to the IUI, the first time he's done so, and we waited FOREVER to go back. While we were waiting there, 4 different women ALL WITH BABIES/TODDLERS came into the waiting room. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?? I almost burst into tears over the insensitivity of it all. I'm sitting there silently praying the sample is good, praying this IUI works, and they have the audacity to prance their beautiful children around like a badge of honor. Screw them. When I have a child, I will NEVER EVER forget my struggle with IF and I will always be so grateful and thankful to have a child and would never "show off" in front of women struggling. Nick said when he was there earlier to drop his sample off that the waiting room was completely full and there were almost no seats left and a woman and her husband and their 6 month old came into the office and no one got up to let them sit by each other. He said that him and every other woman there were so angry and hurt to see a beautiful baby cooing in her mother's arms while people are struggling to have one of their own.

I don't know why I'm so emotional today, I just have this feeling it's not going to work this time despite my 3 big follies. IVF with ICSI I think is how we're going to grow our family.

Here's to hoping these next 2 weeks fly by. Luckily my 28th birthday is thrown in there and Nick and I are headed out to Galena, a town about 3 hours away to a B&B for a long weekend to celebrate. Problem is, we're headed out there right after I get my beta so we'll either be celebrating or I'll be depressed. I hope it's the former, because I really don't want to have to deal with being all emotional when we're supposed to be having a romantic weekend. Also, don't want AF for that either - that's the worst, romantic weekend ruined by AF.

Here's a pic of the cabin we're staying at in 2 weeks, I can't wait! We love this place, it's fabulous!

CD 14 - Pregnant Women are stalking me!

UGH, so annoying! I feel like I can't escape the fertiles of the world!

I'm in the office today, which is nice because it's a change of scenery, I get to come into Chicago on a beautiful fall day and I am actually wearing work clothes, which is nice. But I walk in my row to go to my cube and a colleague of mine who I hadn't seem in a couple months looks like she's about to pop! I knew she was pregnant, but I just hadn't seen her in a while. She looks absolutely great and glowing and happy and everything I want, and it was just a kick in the gut. She's due in November and is having a girl and seems so excited, and I really am happy for her, she's a total sweetheart, I just wish it was me.

Then at lunch, the woman who works for me needed to go to this jewelry store that a common friend of ours owns to pick up her husband's wedding band (they just got married and he needed it resized) and as we're walking in to see here, I kind of thought to myself she is either pregnant, or is just really bloated/gained a little weight. As we're talking she blurts out "I'm 8 weeks pregnant!" Ugh, another kick to the gut. They JUST got married in April and she said it was a complete surprise and she's not 100% sure how she feels about it yet, yadi yadi yadda, on and on about she can't believe it, they weren't even trying, blah blah whoopity freaking doo da. UGHHHHH!

So it's just been one of those days I'm reminded that I'm a freak of nature infertile. Blah...oh and to top it all off my freaking contacts are killing me today! I feel exactly like the guy in the cartoon below - in fact, this screen is a little blurry right now. Am I spelling everything correctly, am I even making any freaking sense? Can I go home now??

CD13 - Holy Bloat Batman!

Man, I'm SO sick of the RE's office this week, I went in Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday for monitoring because my follicles were growing slowly and my lining was thin, so they wanted to see improvement, but I mean come on already! I'm sick of getting my vein poked and prodded and since I only have one good vein for blood on my right arm I keep getting stuck there, my poor vein is begging me to stop!

Also, I have the WORST BLOAT ever!! This is my first cycle with injects, so I think they might be to blame, or I'm just retaining water, which could definitely be the case. But whatever it is, my pants are SO tight! Thank goodness I work from home a lot so I can wear yoga pants. I've also heard that IVF bloat is WAY worse....yikes, I may need to buy some fat pants if we head in that direction!

I just got a great call from the nurse and here is the plan for IUI#3. One more 50iu of Follistim tonight, HCG trigger tomorrow and IUI Friday morning. Also, I have 3 nice sized follies. 19.8mm and 18.3mm on my right and a 17.8 on my left. My lining was at 7.1mm and they think by Friday I'll be over 8mm which is what they like to see for IUI.

I'm oddly calm about this cycle, but we'll see how I am during the 2WW, which I think will be the most torturous because if this IUI doesn't work we're going straight to IVF, which I'm super nervous about. 

In other news, Nick and I have a dreaded baby shower to attend on Saturday. It's for a friend of my SIL who is due around the same time Nick and I would have been having our baby had I not had a CP. It's just really hard seeing all of her pictures pregnant and just thinking that could have been me. I've come to terms with the fact that I am not pregnant and she is and I have no control over it, but it still stings a bit. Luckily it's a couples baby shower and another couple will be there who are also struggling with IF, so thankfully we won't be alone. She called me about a week ago because she just had her first meeting with her RE. I recommended the same clinic we attend, but she's seeing a different RE because she lives too far away from my office. It felt really great to speak to someone on the phone about IF and the pressure and struggles it puts on your emotionally and financially, especially the strain it puts on your sex life. Man, how I miss being so naive about this stuff and not thinking about getting pregnant every time I have sex with my husband. I miss spontaneous sex, I miss drunk sex, I miss I can't get enough of you sex. Sure, that happens with us every once in a while, but more often than not we're both thinking about IF and Nick is concerned about his sperm and I'm concerned about our timing and my lining, it's exhausting. 

So Nick said he's going to come to the IUI with me on Friday, which he's never done before because of work, and I'm kind of excited. I know I'm being superstitious, but maybe by him being there we'll have a better chance. He told me he's going to have a little pep talk to his sperm before they put the catheter in me. He's too funny. I literally laughed for a minute straight when he said that. Nothing like my amazing husband to put a smile on my face and make me laugh. Man I love him so much and cannot wait to see him as a father to our child(ren).

CD11

So I've been MIA for a while. Work was crazy last week because I was taking time off to go down to Florida for a wedding and we just flew back in yesterday, so suffice it to say it's been a little nuts!

I had my CD11 b/w and u/s this morning after I did my 5 nights of Clomid followed by 2 nights of 50ius of Follistim. I have 2 nice sized follies (17.5mm and 16mm) and a couple other smaller ones. But my uterine lining was still thin, at about 5mm. I thought taking the injects was supposed to HELP?!? So I am taking the Estrace, do another shot of Follistim tonight and go back in tomorrow morning for another monitoring appointment. I was supposed to go into the office tomorrow but of course have to go to the Dr. instead.

I'm thinking IUI will be on Wednesday or Thursday of this week, but we'll see.

Let me tell you about the first time I gave myself a shot in the belly! Follistim needs to be refrigerated and I was travelling with it, so I had my little lunch box and my ice packs and was all set. I was fully prepared for them to search my bag at the airport, but they didn't even stop me. You know what they stopped me for? My freaking toiletries! That they weren't in the 1 quart bag, I had them in a gallon bag. I'm travelling with needles galore and medication and they're concerned about my toiletries? Weird...

So I have to give myself the shot between 6-9pm Saturday night, but a little problem, I'm going to be at a wedding then. So I lug my lunch box along with my dress clutch to the wedding and all during the reception I'm freaking out, just thinking about what I have to do in an hour. When the time finally comes, I literally took 20 minutes of just starting at the needle and looking down at my belly and dry heaving. It took all the courage in my body to give myself that shot, but i'm so proud I did it! And last night I was still nervous, but I did it again, with Nick watching me, saying "just do it already!" Well screw you honey, want me to jab this in your stomach?? So I think tonight will be even easier, here's to hoping!